Saturday, February 23, 2013
Chalk one up for the Hokey Pokey
Hudson changes so much day to day, even that I fear if I don't soak every bit in I'll never get it back. That being said, I HAD to share tonight's adventure...
He has been going through cluster feeding for the past day and a half. Screaming to let me know he is hungry...again. In between feedings? We sing. Pandora has a bunch of really awesome toddler and kids' radio stations and they play all the songs we sang with my mom as kids.
So this evening {literally 5 minutes ago} none of the songs were appeasing him and he had just eaten and gotten a clean diaper...we were quickly approaching defcom 5. And that's when it happened, the hokey pokey came on, I stood up...and let's be real...I put my right hand in and my right hand out, and I shook it all about, then I did the hokey pokey and I turned myself around and you know what happened as I finished my turn? Hudson smiled his biggest smile all day.
It's the little things, people. The dogs have no clue what's going on and I never thought I would do it as a grown adult...alone...in my living room...to entertain a baby but I did, and it felt great.
These moments...the stupid, silly, utterly embarrassing moments..well...those are the ones I'll never get back. So, ill continue to do the hokey pokey, and any other embarrassing song my son wishes because that smile...
It melts my heart!
Love to you all,
Hal
Monday, February 4, 2013
Hudson Fischer...he's here! {Birth Story: Part 1}
Monday (the day of my last post), another midwives appointment with a NST-non stress test (tracking what they thought was probably pre-eclampsia, which ended up being Pregnancy Hypertension. note to pregnant mommas, when they tell you to keep your stress levels down, they arent kidding...)That evening I had some pretty intense Braxton hicks...inconsistent and they went away once I relaxed in bed. (And after I talked to my Dad, mom AND sister).
Fast forward to Wednesday, J had the day off and I had a full honey do list...clean out my car so we could install the car seat, finish packing the hospital bag, pick out a final "coming home outfit" in addition to some house stuff I wanted done. What got done that day you ask? Absolutely nothing...until that night at 10:30 when I talked to my mother (who now tells me I had a huge tude) in full blown panic attack. Nothing got done, I'm not prepared and we have to do the hospital bag...RIGHT NOW. J thought I was just being hormonal and told me we would do it in the morning first thing before he had to work at 1. Nope, not good enough...we need to do this and it needs to be done...NOW. He finally caved and I sat in the glider in the nursery dictating all the things I had on my list (I wasn't "allowed" to help...bed rest and all) so by around midnight (after I had cried a few times about not feeling prepared, my fears about bed rest, pre eclampsia, hypertension, and everything in between) we crawled into bed, vowing that we wouldn't make any assumptions or stress about anything until after my appointment the next day...we would know more then.) We said a prayer and went to sleep.
Thursday morning I woke around 6:30 and huh...that sort of hurt...I haven't ever had Braxton hicks in the morning. Then again...uhm this doesn't feel like Braxton hicks. I laid there, J snoring as I counted how long each contraction lasted...one Mississippi, two Mississippi... When they got to be 45 seconds long, I decided to get up out of bed and take a shower...I needed something to keep my mind off of these "Braxton hicks". I decide to take my time, hey my legs need to be shaved. I finished up shaving (sorry if that's TMI) and that's when I noticed a little bit of blood. This scared me so, from the shower I yelled for J. "J...you need to get in here!!!" Apparently I sounded panicky because when he stumbled (he isn't a morning person) into the bathroom he was clutching his back "Babe you scared me, I pulled my back"...to which I said "oh yeah? Well I'm pretty sure I'm in labor so you better go coffee up and take some ibuprofen because I don't want to hear any more about this 'back pain'". After 59 questions, he went down to make his coffee and I called my midwife, yes these are more intense than the other BH I experienced, not a lot of blood, every 3.5 minutes lasting at least a minute long, for about the past 45 minutes to an hour....obviously getting another 59 questions from my midwife. She said she would call me back in an hour or so but that instead of coming in at 11:30 for my scheduled appointment, I needed to be there at 9:30 so they could check me, then they would decide if I needed to head to the hospital. That next hour and a half dragged by. I did my hair and makeup, then made J drive me through chick fil a for some pre-delivery breakfast (I was positive Hudson was planning on making an early arrival and refused to starve for the next umpteen hours).
We called our parents-don't do anything until we talk to the doctors! We arrived at the office only to be shuffled around like a normal appointment. "Go pee in a cup" "wait until they call you" "weight and blood pressure" all the while I am having consistent contractions, every 3 minutes lasting for a minute, to a minute and a half. They finally put us in the last waiting area before you are taken into a room and we were waiting with another couple, bless her...she was 41 weeks (obviously past due and miserable) and here I am, almost 37 weeks (half her size) and having contractions....I believe her exact words were "I hate you". She went on to tell me she had to wear her husbands socks because she was so swollen, nothing else would fit...oh and the clogs she wore? Only shoes she had that fit her, all I could think was "dear God take me back and check me already!" I was talking best I could in between contractions and letting J pick up the lag during.
Finally they put me in a room where my midwife confirmed I was, in fact, in labor.....DUH. 3cm dialated and 90% effaced and was in the throes of my "bloody show" (sorry...this is a play by play...could get more graphic so stop reading if you can't hang ;) ). Lindsey, our midwife, then drops a bomb on me. The midwife on duty tonight? Well she has the flu...and none of the other 3 are available...so between 5:30 and 11 there would not be a midwife on call. This NEVER happens she assures me, you probably won't have him until after 11 any way so don't worry. And if you do? There are tons of qualified doctors who are familiar with midwife practices who will do an amazing job. Which is when I told myself, don't panic....everything will be just fine...and I truly believed it. I prayed and put it in His hands.
We are in labor...3 weeks early...holy shitballs (I'm paraphrasing here but I'm pretty sure at some point I did use that phrase...
We head to the hospital (Which is actually connected to the Doctor's office but you have to drive around to a different entrance/wing). So we get to the "circle drive" where they offer this amazing valet parking for dads whose wives are in labor (so we don't have to go in alone, they park your car and you just pick it up when you check out!) we inform the valet that I am in labor and he gets on his official looking earpiece/walkie talkie telling them they have a lady in labor. Another MIB official (hey that's what they looked like...Men In Black...) comes rushing out with a wheelchair...uhhh I would rather walk if that's okay with you...(sitting through contractions...no thank you!) we check in at the front desk then are lead upstairs by Mr.MIB to L&D. I was in a great mood, no induction and in a few hours we would be meeting our son! Laughing and joking, pausing for contractions, Mr. MIB said he had never had such a pleasant woman in labor...I informed him it was because I am a grade A bad ass :) and modest, too! Lol
We get checked into our room and meet our nurse, Donna. She would be with us the whole time. Lindsey came to check on me around 1pm, we had been at the hospital for around 2 hours by this point and boy does time fly when you are in labor! She checked me again, holy cow she says....you're already 5 cm! You are flying through labor...at this rate your son will probably make his appearance around 8 or 9. Well that's great, but there won't be a midwife here...Don't worry she said, Dr. M (won't post her real name because what I will have to say about her later will make a sailor blush) is on call and she is an awesome doctor. Great... Since this was so far out of my control I focused on my contractions. I spent most of my laboring on a birthing ball (genius invention) and enjoyed the experience with J. I was silent during contractions but was able to talk happily in between... I even face timed with my sister. Her and J poked fun because I would contract then go back to talking like nothing had happened. I was so ready for this! Donna got J some cookies and crackers (which I made him share with me even though they said no food) and even offered tons of encouragement "wow, you are laboring awesome!" "Are you sure this is your first?" "You must have a really high pain tolerance" I had the support and encouragement I needed, until 5 pm. TBD (the bitch doctor) popped in to introduce herself. "Since you aren't quite 37 weeks, you need an IV"... To which I told her I would not be having an epidural so I did not need one. "You need antibiotics" she said. "Was I positive for Strep B?...no? Then I do not need antibiotics" this is obviously where we got off on the wrong foot. I finally conceded to get the antibiotics, listing the medicines I was allergic to. The woman doing the IV was horrible, leaving me with my entire hand and wrist bruised for weeks. Then they administered the antibiotic, apparently a sister drug to the exact drug I had JUST told her I was allergic to, which obviously then prompted an allergic reaction. Luckily I just get a rash...hives...and nothing more serious. I told Donna I didn't want to be confined to the bed...Hudson was not handling the labor well, especially when I was laying down. On the birthing ball? Seemed to be doing just fine. However, after the antibiotic/allergic reaction she told me I needed to be in the bed for a bit so they could monitor Hudson better. About 20-30 minutes later TBD comes back in. She says she wants to plea with me...please get an epidural...IN CASE we have to take you for a c-section. I told her I needed a minute to talk to J and form some questions. She didn't like it but left and came back. I agreed to the epidural (wasn't happy but wanted what was best for the baby). I signed her papers and she sent off for the anesthesiologist. When she got there she talked through everything and I admit, I was a little weepy when she was explaining it to me. "You know, we can just put the catheter in without the medicine, that way if we need it we can utilize it but if we don't then you can still have your natural birth" well...that sounds like an amazing plan! I received the epidural catheter with no medicine. TBD comes back in telling us how glad she is that I just agreed with her and got the epidural since, after all, she has been doing this for 16 years and knows what she is doing. I told her the great news...what the anesthesiologist told us. This is when things went even more south. TBD was pissed and made no effort to hide it. Even making a joke, "so since you only got 1/2 an epidural do you get a discount?". From that point on she was rude and unprofessional. I didn't understand because the anesthesiologist told me this was a great option....I wasn't trying to be a pain! And TBD said we MIGHT need a c-section, nothing urgent and wasn't 100% for sure.
At this point Donna tells me they need to give me a shot of something (I don't remember what) to slow my contractions, it's 6pm and I am going through transition (I seriously felt like I was seizing I was shaking so much) she tells me I need this shot because Hudson's heart rate decelerates with every contraction....they think he is squeezing the cord and they need to relax my uterus. I agree to the shot and my labor almost all but stops.
TBD comes back and tells me we will be going for a c-section, baby isn't tolerating labor. Again I ask her to give us a minute, she tells me "I have been doing this for 16 years and I know what I am doing. I am on call for the rest of the evening so it isn't that I have any where else to go, I'm not calling for a c-section because I have somewhere else to be" uhm...ohhhkay? I still have a few questions. By the time she comes back and I get through my questions. She gets the anesthesiologist to prep me for the c-section. While he is going through details my contractions come back in full swing. My mom arrives and Donna sends J into the bathroom to change into scrubs. At that point I look up at Donna, I feel like I have to poo, I have to push...how do I not push...what do I do!? I am panicking. I have already consented to the c-section but the urge to push is overwhelming and I can't stop my body. The nurse checks me, you are complete, let me grab TBd...we might be able to have this baby the way you want after all! I tell my mom she has to leave and somewhere in all of the commotion the anesthesiologist leaves. TBD comes in, she starts yelling at everyone. This is the part that is the most difficult for me...the part that is burned into my brain. She is yelling "I told you to sign that paper 20 minutes ago! Donna why are you letting her push!?" I am mid contraction/push when she roughly shoves her hand inside me to check my dilation.
As I write this, I fight back tears...that had to be one of the most crude and painful experiences of my life.
She yanks her hand out and continues yelling at everyone. J is holding my leg and everything feels scary and out of focus. He tells me now there was a lot of blood coming out and he heard Donna say she felt his head. I yell back..."we fuc*ing heard you! Stop yelling! I consented to c-section, this is what you wanted now do your damn job!" I was hurt and angry and scared and I didn't know her and felt like I had to fight her every step of the way....it wasn't supposed to be like this! If she would have just communicated with me, told me it was more urgent, brought the anesthesiologist back in...I don't know...
They wheel me down the hall (I'm pretty sure my legs were open porn star style for everyone in the hall to see) they are moving me on to another bed and the anesthesiologist gets ready to put the medicine in my epidural, he says "we have time" and TBD says "No, knock her out". Looking back, I feel like she did that to spite me, there was time, the catheter was already in place and with the test they had done earlier they knew I was very sensitive to the medicine and that it would only take seconds to take effect. I made her angry and she was going to have my son's birth on her time, her way.
The next thing I know, I am waking up in a recover room...alone with some nurse I had never even seen. "Where is my husband? I need my husband" once they knew I was stable they brought him back. J informed me that they shoved him in the hall and didn't tell him anything. He saw TBD leave the Or but she said nothing to him, he didn't know the condition of me or our baby....
Donna came out a while later and told him baby and I were both fine. We were wheeled up to my post partum room where we waited on the nurse and spoke briefly with family. We weren't allowed to see our baby until 1am....he was born at 7:15 pm.
Hudson was in the NICU, he was small...4lb 8oz. The size was proof of the hypertension...the blood vessels to the placenta must have been restricted limiting his growth at the end, but he was healthy. He would stay in the NICU until they knew he was stable.
I was sore but able to move around by the next morning. My midwife, Jan came to check on me. I filled her in on what happened...apparently she had already heard TBD's side and was shocked to hear how the details differed. Apparently she had told Jan that I was pushing to be defiant, not because I actually felt the urge...among other things.
After talking to my mom I also found out that TBD was in the lobby after I delivered and was questioned by my Father In Law. This is the information she told them..."As you know we had to take her back for an emergency c-section. There was a power struggle and she refused the epidural which is very unfortunate. She didnt trust me. I hate when women are like this because it is selfish and the husbands/dads really lose out on the experience..."
How could she tell our families lies? How could she communicate with them before even telling my husband, the baby's father what had happened and how we were!? And you are damn right I didn't trust you, you were rude, unprofessional and needed a few hundred more lessons in bedside manner...
I didn't see her again...and I hope I never do. Piecing everything together is really saddening, and maddening to say the least. Had she been open and offered answers to our questions, and communicated what was going on with Hudson I would have cooperated 100%. It is normal to have questions when you have had a natural birth plan with a midwife and are thrown into a medical intervention with a doctor you don't know and don't trust. I can whole heartedly say I did not trust her, she had been rude and callous thus far, AND had approved an antibiotic that I was allergic to! I couldn't trust her competency at face value, to me...she was a young cocky doctor who thought she knew me and knew what was best. She acted like she was doing me a favor by giving me an epidural, and joked once I had gotten just the catheter "oh is it only half price if you only get half of an epidural?" Unprofessional and out of line. I know I have repeated some things but it still is all so surreal.
From the on I spent as much time as I could in the NICU and can't say enough great things about the nurses there. Levine Children's Hospital is one of the bests and I am glad Hudson got the best care he could. The first few days he wasn't eating much,low blood sugar and could not come to our room. A few days later they discovered he was jaundiced, that's why he was too tired to eat. After a day in the billybulbs (the blue UV lights) he was doing great and I was even able to Breastfeed! The nurses in the NICU were awesome and even got me a pump to keep down there so I really could spend as much time as I wanted down there. Christmas Eve I was discharged and they informed us in the NICU that they were moving Hudson to "progression" and if he did well over night we would be released Christmas Day! They were able to get us an "in suite" room, sort of like a hotel room. We got to spend our first night together, Christmas Eve. The nurse assigned to us had me check in every time he woke with an update. (How much he ate, his diaper status, an if I wanted him to bring a bottle of warm breast milk I had pumped from earlier.) Christmas morning they came and took him for his last panel, a billirubin screen. They brought him back an hour later, levels were perfect! We would be released...Merry Christmas! Oh but one last test...bring in your car seat, he has to sit in it for 90 minutes while being monitored for respiration rate. During that time we went to find out where J's car was parked and popped by the cafeteria for some cereal...they were in between meals and that was pretty much all they had.
We got back to the on suite and watched Christmas movies on TV until they brought him back and helped us gather our things. The MIB guys in the circle drive helped J install the car seat and after 5 whole days...we headed home :)
I am happy to say that almost 7 weeks later, Hudson is almost 7lbs and thriving. I am learning to talk about his birth a little more each day but usually sum it up that he just didn't tolerate labor, the real story is just too long. Two of my midwives have told me they failed me, and I agree. I still think they are amazing and I will continue to use them but if I decide to have another I will be having a serious pep talk with them beforehand. I am torn with filing a formal complain against TBD...do I want to bring it all back up again so it doesn't happen to someone else? Or do I want to just try to let it go, chalk it up to the perfect storm and a horrible experience... I'm sure whichever I decide, Hudson, J and I will continue to grow and thrive regardless of the situation....
Please keep any and all comments positive, I don't need or want to give anymore explanations.
Love to all,
xxx
Hal & Hud
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